the cousin

she said why can’t you

be more like your cousin

she never brings her “friend”

to family events...her partner

of more than a decade hasn’t

even made it above “friend” 

status. this is the kind of 

support i get from my mother

and I’d blame it on an age thing,,

generational gap, but that would 

be unfair to all the 70 plus people

out there that except their gay 

children, grandchildren, etc., with

love and open arms. and isn’t the

bigger question really why do i care

so much?? why can’t i live a life without 

the need of this woman’s approval, 

these matriarchal, italian, catholic women 

of my family hand down their judgement

with a spoon full of tortellini and a 

glass of wine to shut you up and keep

your opinions to yourself....

for the girls

for the little girls

who paint their faces

like army men and 

role around in the dirt

the girls who play with 

match box cars on the 

side of a hill, making

tracks of adventure

forever imprinted on 

your heart....be bold

get dirty and play hard

dream big of your greatness

and never, ever let anyone

squash you goals little girl

because they will try, oh 

how they will try, people

will try to tell you not

to get dirty and what 

things you should or

should not like, but

don’t ever let them 

break your spirit 

for adventure, grow

grow up to be bold

and beautiful and

let yourself be

the girl on the 

playground with 

scrapped knees

and messy hair 

because someday

it will all be worth it

Sometimes

Sometimes the sound

of your voice can still

bring me back to you..

I tuck your words safely

away in my heart, not

to go there again....

Your song can easily

take me back to that

ice covered wonderland

of regret and fear and

all the ways I’d do it over

again, now maybe different.

I’d tell you of my love and

not let you get away, I’d

love you till the end of time

and you’d love me back...

You’d dedicate a song to me

and we’d sit on that old

porch swing, intertwined

no beginning, no end.

I’d read you poetry, while

you lay your head on my

legs, forever meant something

different back then. Maybe

there is no forever, only the

here and now and you and me.

Ending each others sentences

with the random words of love

and complication.

smile

her smile fills me with

a thousand words,

each one better than

the next, telling me

stories of love and

teaching me things

of the heart, her smile

it fills a room, opening

hearts and healing

wounds, with music

that dances in the air

it leaves no place for

sadness, just love

pure and innocent

because i think too much

its so complicated

thinking of you and

her and me and us

and there’s all the

labels and whether

or not i fit in and if

i will do it all right

or wrong or will i do

it at all, this mess

of relating to each

other its like exploring

a foreign land, and

getting lost in the

beauty of the language

just so enthralled by

it so much that you

forget to breath and

lose for a moment

who you really are

and what your heart

is telling your head

and if you should

even listen to this

deceitful organ that

has done nothing but

led you astray in the

past, but it’s not the

heart thats telling you

to stay now anyway

it’s the her warm breath

on your neck and feeling

of her hand rising up your

back and you begin to

let go of it all and just

be

blocked

i have somehow

managed to lose

my voice....

not the physical

one, the inner

musings of my heart

that voice, well it’s

gone on hiatus

maybe in the loss

of my muse, pain

i’ve been left with

no voice, just an

empty void shelling

out blips of positivity

my new found friend

optimism, i guess

she can stay around

but my voice, i need

her back, to live again

through these words

and on page after page

i need that voice to

come back and visit

forever

somedays i wonder

if i will know forever

not the one we’ve

been sold on grocery

store tabloids, or the

stories our grandmother

tells us about as she

celebrates the golden

anniversary, with tears

in her eyes because

she stayed with a man

that wouldn’t know love

if it knocked him square

in the eye, no i wanna

know the kind of forever that

you discover anew with

each day, the kind of

forever that teaches you

with each new line on

your lovers face, a

secret unfolds, a bit

of your heart grows

every day you fall

more in love with the

flaws and the beauty

and the tender

touch of her hand,

the kiss of her lips

on your neck, just

so. no i don’t want the pretty

forever all wrapped in a bow

neat and proper, i want the real

forever, the messy one with

heartbreak and joy, passion

that is endless in it’s ever

changing infiniteness.

life

driving to work

on a saturday

morn, i pass

my former life

sitting in the

coffee shop,

they all laugh

and talk about

the weeks events

and i leave it all

behind, over and

over again, it’s

like a sharp object

to the gut, this guilt,

this pain of the former

life i once lived.

but it feels right, as

i enter my office

taking my choices

one day at a time

i feel real for the

first time and

i do it for me

and i know that

one day this

will all be a distant

memory, those

early days of pain

and regret.

a thousand years

in a thousand years

will the words of your

love still be scribbled

upon my heart...will

you still be trying to

shut the world out

with your walls tucked

neatly around you keeping

you safe from the pain of

all the love i try to give

or will i have finally

broken down the barriers

that keep me out...

will you have given up

on your armored facade

to let me touch the softest

part, let me be the one to

heal your broken parts

let me be the one that

makes you smile, with

love eternal,

let me

be

these days

i only see you

in my dreams

walking around

like we belong

together, we walk

the city streets

hand in hand,

i steal a glance

your eyes filled

with love for this

town filled with

song and opportunity

she stole you from

my heart this place

and left me to pick

up all the parts

leaving just my heart

to feel you in the

pages of a book

the lines of the

latest poem i

write for you

eventually i must

start my life anew

with less than a

song, and more than

words to fill this ol’

heart

dreams

you came to me

in a dream, it was

one of those dreams

that wakes you with

a start, not knowing

if it could be real or

just the longing of

your heart for the

moment we met

if only we could start

anew, no lies or mistakes

maybe then we’d have

a chance at building

something real, something

more than this bitter

addiction to your

smile and the touch

of your hand on my

heart....

repair

Sometimes all it takes is a smile really

to start ones heart on fire

when you can see the pain

crying out from within their soul

and you wonder what is it

really that one person can

do that can alter the path of

another, and greatly change

the heart within and yet we

know the power of words

and thoughts, and lies

that take little pieces of

our hearts and leave us

in need of repair

lover

i could love you

if only you let me

i can be the woman

you need, the one

that makes you feel

complete

i can be the comfort

you come home to

the one who makes

sweet love on a sunday

afternoon. when the

sun is creeping below

the horizon, while we

lie, legs intertwined

i can love you for the

woman you are and

the woman your are

meant to become

broken pieces and

all, i could love you

if only you let me.

coming out

coming out of the darkness

i find you there, waiting for

me to realize my true potential

i can feel the change in me

altering my presence, making

me whole, again. it’s because

of you these changes exist,

but in spite of you i am free

to live my life alone and free

awakened to the senses. the

presence of love that was

lost among the silence, waits

at every turn. i can breathe

for the first time, and

the air tastes good,

and new full of life, i am

whole.

a day

what a difference a day makes

it was just day three years ago

that changed my life’s course

a quick glance at the bar, a

simple hello, nice to meet you

and nothing would ever be the

same...i would never look at a

woman the same, i would never

feel the same for my husband

the end result would be the

constant longing for you in my

life. all it took was a day for me

to go from a life of comfort and

security to one of constant

question and pain and sadness

all the days leading up to you

and me and us the impossibility of

it all what a difference a day makes.